Ronald Weasley vs The Sorting Hat
by BrilliantLady
Summary: Ronald has trouble with his sorting, and argues with the hat - it doesn't go at all well. Completed silly drabble. Gratuitous Ron-bashing.


Ronald Weasley, looking rather pale green from fear, walked forward to try on the Sorting Hat.

"Hmm," said a small voice in his ear. "This is definitely the trickiest one I've had to sort all night. Definitely not Ravenclaw. Not much of a mind there at all – the only thing you're interested in learning is how to slack off."

"Hey, I'm good at chess," objected Ron quietly. "But I don't want Ravenclaw anyway. Put me in Gryffindor."

"Chess is a game," sniffed the hat, "not an intellectual pursuit. And you don't even bother to try and improve yourself at it – you don't read books about chess or seek out players who are better than you. No chance for Ravenclaw. Perhaps Slytherin? There's a _small_ streak of cunning there, I see your attempts to ingratiate yourself with the Boy Who Lived went well. A little bit of ambition to prove yourself better than your brothers, even if you have neither a plan nor the work ethic to do anything to further that ambition."

"No way!" Ron objected. "I'd rather go home than end up in _Slytherin_."

"Well Hufflepuff is out. Loyalty is definitely not your strong suit - the only person you're loyal to is yourself. And the concept of 'unafraid of toil' is so far removed from your mindset that it may as well be in a different country. You must be the laziest student I've ever had to sort."

"Gryffindor," thought Ron stubbornly. "Gryffindor or nowhere."

"Gryffindor or nowhere, are you sure?"

"That's right, you stupid hat!"

"Well, you're not very brave. I see the thing you have about spiders, not to mention you almost vomited and fainted having to walk up and try me on. Definitely not noble of spirit, either. Sure you won't take Slytherin?"

"Not Slytherin, I told you!"

"Well, if you're sure – better be NONE OF THEM!" The hat shouted the last three words out loud to the shocked hall of students and teachers.

"WHAT?!" screeched Ron, angry and terrified. He stood up in shock, and whipped the hat off his head and threw it on the chair.

"TRANSFER STUDENT TO THE UAGADOU SCHOOL OF MAGIC IN AFRICA!" it shouted huffily.

"Hat, what is the meaning of this?"

"Headmaster, he refuses to go to the only House he's suited to," explained the Hat, "he said he'd rather be nowhere than there. So there's no choice but to transfer him to a less discriminating school. The Uagadou School of Magic will whip him into shape - they don't tolerate slackers there. And luckily for him, their entry standards are low."

Over at the Slytherin table, Malfoy and his friends were laughing so hard they were almost falling off the benches. Ron felt like he was going to throw up. He looked over at the Gryffindor table. Many of them were laughing too. Percy looked sympathetic and worried, but Fred and George were also laughing fit to bust a gut. Only some of the Hufflepuffs looked sympathetic, everyone else seemed to find his predicament hilarious.

"Mr. Weasley," chided Professor Dumbledore, "please let the hat know you're willing to be sorted however it sees fit."

"Okay, I'm sorry," thought Ron desperately, as he shoved the hat back on his head. "I'm really, really sorry I called you a stupid hat. Please, please, just put me in Gryffindor."

"I told you," thought the hat back, "you're not suited for Gryffindor. There's no sense of chivalry there, no honour. And your courage is sorely lacking."

"Hufflepuff then," Ron thought gloomily. "I suppose I could make do with Hufflepuff. They seem kind of nice."

"Yet again you prove why you are totally unsuited to Ravenclaw, you stupid boy," responded the hat testily. "I told you - you're not suited for anywhere but Slytherin, and that barely. In fact, my opinion of your cunning is dropping every second."

"Slytherin, I suppose. If I have to," he thought with despair.

"No," thought the hat stubbornly. "I've already sorted you, and I told you - TRANSFER STUDENT TO THE UAGADOU SCHOOL OF MAGIC!" it finished out loud.

"Hat, be reasonable," chided Professor Dumbledore sternly. "Just re-sort him into his proper house."

"You know I don't sort people twice," said the hat stubbornly. "No matter how they complain. Everyone gets one turn, and one turn only. He didn't want to be in Slytherin, which he was barely qualified for anyway, so he'll have to go elsewhere – he's not coming to Hogwarts."

Professor Sprout bustled up to the chair and led a weeping Ron out of the Great Hall, comforting him as best she could. Poor boy, so useless the Hat wouldn't even put him in the house of the leftovers.

* * *

A/N: Just a silly little drabble for my husband; he wanted to see the hat refuse to sort someone.


End file.
